Broken No Longer

I am writing with the INTENT TO VENT.  I believe this header should often be at the beginning of my posts and I usually do put it if it's just going to be a release session... so those of you who are uninterested or short on time don't have to listen to my BLAH, BLAH, BLAH (as Saydee would call it).

I have been having problems with "attacks"  on and off since about 12.  I was hospitalized several times, but very infrequently.  Years would pass in between attacks.  Once, in high school, they even treated me as if I had taken drugs because sudafed showed up in system and, although my dad was there and insisting that he actually gave me the sudafed, they still had to do some sort of detox (which was miserable, by the way) because they could find no other reason for me to act this way.  I couldn't speak, it came out of nowhere... I could hear my friends calling to me and asking me to stop.  They were scared.  I could hear them call my dad and their parents for help.  I heard them all arrive... but I could not speak.  I felt like I was watching them in a dream.  There were several of these episodes, this one being the most severe (until recently).  They ran a bunch of tests.  Found nothing.  Told me I was overstressed and to learn to deal with it better.  I would evaluate my life... decide I was stressed and move on. 

There are a bunch of things in between here where I had a couple of miscarriages, underwent MAJOR life changing events and did, INDEED, become VERY stressed and my health got worse.  I started getting MAJOR migraines.  Much worse than the ones I'd always had. I experienced confusion and displacement during them.  I couldn't keep on top of them without hospital help.  I sought further help.  Saw a neurologist.  Found some abnormalities on my brain.  Never could get any straight answers but ruled out any major debilitating diseases.  Moved on... Got pregnant with Chloe and focused on my kids...

When I stopped nursing Chloe, she was 13 months old.  I had a family reunion 5 days later.  I hadn't gotten ANY sleep for those 13 months.  Four hours in a row, TOPS!  I was sleep deprived.  Tired.  Zombie like.  I was ECSTATIC to be done nursing.  I had paid my dues.  The morning I woke up at the reunion, I was tired.  This was nothing new.  I was doing crafts with the kids.  Treasure hunting.  I began helping my grandma pick up for the next event.  I looked down to grab a piece of garbage and suddenly the ground turned golden.  Sparkly.  Shiny.  Translucent.  Beautiful.  It looked like a moon-shaped reflection.  I looked behind me to see what was reflecting.  The trees began to sparkle.  I looked at my grandma's face.  She began to sparkle.  Everywhere I looked... sparkle.  This wasn't normal.  Something was wrong.  I began to have tunnel vision.  I was confused.  My mind was playing tricks on me.  I sat in silence. 

I sat for some time.  My grandma brought me water.  I get dehydrated easily.  Maybe that was it.  Still things kept getting worse.  Things were twisting together in my vision like a kaleidoscope.  There was pressure.  Over the course of the next hour I lost function of my left arm entirely.  There were pins and needles in it as if I slept on it all night.  It was heavy and useless.  I couldn't speak.  I could hear everyone, but I couldn't speak.  I just nodded my head compulsively and tears ran down my face.  They asked me questions that seemed very tricky yet I knew I knew the answers somehow.  They asked me who the President was and Obama's name seemed hilarious.  They put me in the car.  The whole way down the mountain I became very tired.  They kept asking me to stay awake.  It was impossible.  They kept asking me questions.  I just kept nodding.

When we got back to town and it was time to walk into the hospital, I was able to focus and my vision was returning back to normal.  I could answer the doctor and knew what he was talking about.  They ran lots more tests.  Everything looked fine.  I was certainly NOT fine.  They explained I had had a migraine with aura.  Never heard of it.  The next day I was exhausted.  I got a terrible "normal" migraine.  The pain was too much to bear.  I went back to the hospital after 8 hours.  I threw up.  I was instantly better. 

I followed up with a cardiologist because I had seen everyone else and their dogs.  I was looking for a hole in my heart which one of my other cousins who was at the reunion had looked for with similar seizure/stroke-like problems.  She had surgery to fix her hole and was told most of her symptoms could be related to this issue.  It was also hereditary and her sister had gone in just to see and found she, too, had a hole.  She also had hers repaired.

I saw the doctor.  I had a great amount of blood shunting to the other side of my heart (bad blood mixing with good blood) and traveling places it shouldn't... like to my brain... causing mini strokes... causing the spots (brain damage) on my brain.  I was on my way to have a full on STROKE.

Unfortunately, the "bubble test" caused another mini stroke, or TIA as the technical term.  I was unable to speak again. Saw a strange object in my line of vision.  Lost my right side function in arm and leg this time.  I was escorted by the emergency crew to the er in Murray.   I spent all day there sick, puking, miserable.  Then... after lots and lots of anti-nausea meds, I became better.  Released.  And headed home.

I opted to get the surgery after speaking with the cardiologist.  I had the opportunity to reduce my stroke risk from 99% tO 0 or 1%.  It was a no-brainer. 

The surgery was cake.  I talked to the surgeon the whole operation.  I watched the screen.  They had to run the same test to ensure the hole was closed.  So, again, I became excruciatingly ill.  For the next 18 hours I vomited and kept my eyes closed.  Busted the clot in my artery where they inserted the catheter with the object to plug my hole in my heart.  But... I feel I'm on my way to getting better.  I hope this will be a miracle.  I believe in them... they do happen.  I am grateful for modern day medicine and that they were able to fix my hole without open-heart surgery which is hell, basically, to recover from.